Chapter 5 Hypocrisy
In mid-September of 1994, I headed to Mitsubishijuukougyouhiroshimakenkyuujo to invade, in vehicle, I thought hard "I don't want to do such an invasion. I have fear. But I have no choice. Because it is gods' will".
Invasion was successful, I obtained maps Asahara ordered to obtain. But he only blamed me saying "your devotion is something wrong. Why didn't you copy all materials? You are such an idiot without academic background". Such his abuses in which he neglected my personality was the order of the day at that time. I blamed myself "I have suffering because my ego is still remaining", believing earnestly "it's a gods' will", I repeated invasions to companies.
On October 17th, when I delivered an offering to Kamikuishiki-village in the night, Asahara suddenly ordered "MT made VX. There is need to make sure it works. Use it to Takimoto's car. Be careful because he is alarmed. Go immediately." At the site, in a high building which was a little far away from lawyer Taro Takimoto's house, there was light. "I am watched" I said to other members and was relieved. When I reported it to Asahara, he said to himself "it can't be helped".
After that, Asahara, like he made me retrieve the fact the plan about lawyer Takimoto fell through after all, forcefully ordered me to obtain maps of NEC's laser. As for the factory, I couldn't obtain other disciples' help, invasion was conducted without enough preparation, I was found by a guard.
In mid-November, I was investigated by the police about the abduction incident in Miyazaki, according to instructions of lawyer A, I stated "I am now conducting branch activity". As such, I thought, as myself, as for conducting Vajrayāna, it already reached its limits, when I reported to Asahara about investigation, I said "because there is possibility that my statement may be checked, I'd like to return to branch activity". Then he only said "what are you afraid of?" and showed no sign of treating it as an issue. Several days later, Asahara ordered me to investigate Mr. Mizuno's home without telling me its purpose. This started my involvement in the series of the VX incidents.
In the middle of the night of November 26th, I was in great distress while I was in a sleeping bag in Imagawa's house. Immediately before, when I ran to Mr. Mizuno to spray VX, I felt that our eyes met, so I ran away without doing anything.
The feeling "I can't do this" couldn't be helped, but my thought was focused on "if I was told to do even if so". Soon I started to be in great distress, I eagerly remembered Asahara's word "if you can't, it's OK to make AY do it". Then, by implication, I told TN that our eyes had met as a reason, he immediately decided to call Y.
Next morning, when AY took over the charge, I was filled with thought that I couldn't show my unsteadiness to TN, so I had no room for concerning with Yamagata. I am sorry I have done Yamagata wrong.
When I recall, within this series of my inner conflicts were the all-too-human sins of hypocrisy and self-absorption. I couldn't conduct Asahara's order because I couldn't believe the cause of salvation enough in actual site. However, it was self-protection that I couldn't run away from Asahara because of fear. However, the feeling "I can't" was shocking and I was in great distress. At that time, Asahara prepared an escape route for me saying that if I couldn't, he would make Yamagata do it, so I ran away there. Then my distress disappeared. I think, as a part, I didn't need to face the reality that I couldn't believe the cause of salvation enough, so I could continue pretending to believe it. It was irresponsible hypocrisy itself without neither consideration of other people nor honesty to myself.
On the other hand, in order not to be noticed that I was avoiding conducting it, I calmly coped with other things than conducting it, and repeated invasion in companies. And I made myself be a tragic hero, I thought "somebody needs to conduct Vajrayāna for salvation", I comforted myself with self-absorption in the mental aspect of the cause while I was put in a hole by Asahara. The more I notice my hypocrisy, the more I am berated up by a severe sense of guilt and self-hate.
Why did I go that far with staying the sect? Sometimes I was said "in short, you couldn't deny Asahara because you feared that you wouldn't be able to reach emancipation and a spiritual awakening?", after Asahara held suspicion toward me, and after I lost myself when I experienced overwhelming fear when I was forced to take 1 mg of LSD, I had no such feeling.
At that time, as for all things including me, others, training, and salvation, the criteria changed all the time by Asahara's one word, they became elusive. In it, Asahara was all, I couldn't stand if I had a normal sense, and if I made myself have independence and if I had rational thought in which I would head to emancipation and a spiritual awakening which was objectively defined. Instead, I was absorbed in work in front of me, like I was depending on guru's will which only didn't change, and what was named gods' will.
After the incident of Mr. Tadahito Hamaguchi, soon I learned that he died. At that time, felt like I was sinking in darkness. Then I thought "I cannot be helped, I only have choice to go this way", I was more absorbed in work in front of me.
When I recall, normally, I should have thought what I would become in near future. However, at that time, I couldn't think about what I would become in future. What I thought was if my behavior was doubted by Asahara.
In the last analysis, there was an aspect in which I treated a man slightingly because I treated myself slightingly. At the time of the incident of Mr. Hamaguchi, I didn't feel or think Mr. Hamaguchi as a human. I tried to look at himself as one object of the work Asahara ordered, and actually I did. These were violations of human life.
I remember when Mr. Hiroyuki Nagaoka came to meet me. Best of all I deeply apologized about the incident. Mr. Nagaoka watched my eyes and glistened with tears. I again thought what I did, I felt so apologetic, my eyes were only filled with tears.
At that time, I totally lost human feeling like being moved to tears. At this time, I was continuously cornered to the limit, it was only for a moment, but I felt an intent to kill Asahara.
In mid-February of 1995, I was ordered to bring an offering immediately by Asahara, when I visited the sect's eating place, I saw Asahara singing karaoke with being surrounded by young female samanas. I couldn't bear to look at it, my ardor was dampened, without saying anything, I returned to vehicle. When I sat down on the seat of the vehicle, I was shocked to know I was thinking "should I spray him VX? Or, because it won't kill him, should I paint VX to a drawing pin and set it on a sofa?" At the same time, I instinctively felt "if I leave the sect, not only me but my all family will be killed, only way to be apart from Asahara is to kill Asahara who orders killing". But I was sure I couldn't, I was terrified about everything.
When I recall, I only was disconsolate and pitiful. But my subordinates and disciples whom I ordered work were also involved in crimes. On thinking it over, at that time, I only considered Asahara, I didn't have a sense of responsibility nor consideration about my subordinates and disciples. Because it was part of Asahara's order as doctrine, it was individual's training, I thought, basically, it was for practicing charity. But as a fact, in order to conduct Asahara's orders, I used my subordinates and disciples like they were my tools.
In the last analysis, one reason why I could't escape from Asahara's rule was because I did the same thing as Asahara did to me to my subordinates and disciples. Although I didn't use force, give fear, use strong language to my subordinates and disciples, I was the same as Asahara in that I used their religious beliefs.