Tuesday, November 29, 2016

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 8

Click here for the seventh chapter.

Chapter 8 The heinous criminal

Why did the religious sect aim for the armed revolution?
In the chapter "Blind Nightmare" in "Underground" by Haruki Murakami, he raises a question that there is the possibility that the logic and the system of ordinary people and the logic and the system of Aum Shinrikyo shared images like a kind of two mirrors. On top of that, he states that, in the system (highly controlled society), the power process aimed at attaining autonomy is only the mirror image of the other-dependent power process enforced by the system, autonomy and dependency are like light and shade, caught in the pull of each other's gravity, after considerable trial and error, each individual can find his or her own place in the world. And he said "The reason why a person fails to achieve this balance is that balanced and soft self-development is impeded at some stage for some reason. When shelving that impediment, he or she tries to overcome only by a hard logic called "the power process aimed at attaining autonomy", a physical (legal) friction occurs between social logic and individual."

When I look back on those days with considering both the sect's actual condition and Mr. Murakami's quotation, I can say that Asahara concluded that "the other-dependent power process" of the modern society would trigger off Armageddon and would kill all humans, on the other hand, he concluded that only "autonomy" whom Asahara who said guru's will was absolute gave would save humans from Armageddon, and would lead his disciples to a spiritual awakening.

As for this dualism, it lacked the viewpoint that individual autonomy was created as the mirror image of dependency in the first place. So, there was no idea itself that the sect tried to find its position in the system of this modern society, it can be said that, more than a physical (legal) friction between social ethics and individuals, Asahara concluded that changing the logic of his doctrine into the social logic was salvation. This was nothing short of a fundamental shakeup of the social system, and it can be said that this was nothing but the system that could provoke an armed revolution.

According to what I have learned after my arrest, in true training, it seems that even if you have a mystical experience, you should not see it by objectifying it. Because if you see it by objectifying it, you give it special value, and you fall into deviation in which you form self-satisfied autonomy which lacks the feeling of dependency. I think the revelation "the Load leading the navy and fighting" that Asahara received from god is a typical example of this deviation.

In Buddhism, the importance of removing self-obsession and having mercy to all sentient beings is talked. It could be said that these are processes to tear down the ego which differentiates the self from others; to attain awareness of the interdependent stream in which humans, along with animals, nature, and the cosmos are as one; and to awaken this stream in each individual. In short, it can be said that this is a process to regain the balance of both the power processes.

However, Asahara abused the training method to tear down the ego, made his disciples have mystical experiences, he replaced the experiences with the world of truth. So, more trained, his disciples lost his or her self more, lost the feeling of dependency, swallowed the world of autonomy which was Asahara's fancies, and were identified with it.

In Asahara's religious war logic, he justified himself by saying that god delegated the right and the power to overstep the social rules to him in his arrogance to distinguish the savers from the saved, the unordinary from the ordinary. And then, in the sect, both Asahara and his disciples, being motivated by the desire to be identified with god, they put themselves in the position of absolute truth, absolute good beyond right and wrong, on the pretext of saving many people from Armageddon, did various barbarous behaviors which were included in an armed revolution. I think this is one truth of the sect's sins.

At that time, I believed that the identification with god which was said to have the will to save humans was only the path to save myself, I didn't think it would be desire. Reviewing what I thought and carried out, I have noticed that the loss of empathy with others, namely dehumanization started exactly when I thirsted for salvation and tried to identify myself with God or the person worshiped as an absolute being.

About "a kind of images of two mirrors", Mr. Murakami said "it is, in a way, our inner ghosts (underground) whom we evade to face, consciously or unconsciously exclude from the face of the reality, isn't it?" As for these "inner ghosts", I think from my mistakes that these "inner ghosts" means that humans tend to lose sight of dependency, to be self-satisfied, to be identified with stories that others make up, and to be swallowed by them. In wars, armed revolutions, religious wars repeated in human history, in order to knock the foundation of the social system which is the origin of dependency, justification of killings by collective violence was made because of these "inner ghosts", I think.

It is said that, about World War II, propaganda saying "it is a crusade to realize Arcadia and establish the Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere" was spread throughout Japan. The Aum Incidents were smaller in scale, but on the point that killing others was justified as good in the name of god, it should be no different from the war.

In order not to repeat tragedy, I keenly realize that we need to have a sense of humility to think that there is no cause to deny the dignity of life, to think that this world is full of contradictions, and to think that we human beings sometimes make mistakes.

Continued to the ninth chapter.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 7

Click here for the sixth chapter.

Chapter 7 Prophecy

Here, from the viewpoint of why the sect caused the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway, I will explain the main ideas that its purpose was fulfilling its prophecy.

At about 4:00 a.m. we arrived at the second Aum Shinrikyo training facility, Asahara said "I will meditate for thinking" and he got off limousine. In the limousine, nothing concrete was not decided. Based on the evidence, it is assumed that at approximately 9:00 a.m. on the 18th, in order to prevent the compulsory investigation, HM instructed the perpetrators to carry out the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway, but as a total of the sect, like disposing illegal articles such as AK rifles and so on from the morning of the 18th, it took measures on the premise of the compulsory investigation.

Early morning of the 18th, HM said to me "I command members of Department of Science and Technology for releasing sarin on subway trains. Before it, I want you to plant time bomb at a place of Dr. Shimada, and to throw a firebomb to Aoyama training hall", but I was not explained why we would trigger off these incidents.

As for self-provoking of my part, I could understand that the purpose would be laying the groundwork for making the compulsory investigation be seen as oppression of religion. However, about the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway, in the limousine, the conclusion was that it would be impossible to avoid the compulsory investigation even if they released sarin, I couldn't understand its purpose, vaguely, I imagined that Asahara decided to trigger off the incident as gods' will after getting off limousine.

At the night of the 19th, the police raided the Osaka branch. In October, 1990, when the Kumamoto police had raided the sect by the doubt of violation of the National Land Use Planning Act, the object had been the sect in all of Japan, so by the raid on the Osaka branch, the raid on all the buildings of the sect was just a matter of time, it had already become a problem that went beyond merely preventing the raid or changing its course.

In the gray of the morning of the 20th, in the seventh Aum Shinrikyo training facility, HM said to the perpetrators of the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway "The police raided the Osaka branch. The policemen entered the branch like mobile troops. It is truly a war" when he sent them. This HM's word apparently contradicts the saying that they triggered off the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway in order to prevent the raid.

What was the purpose of the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway?
From about 4:00 a.m. when limousine arrived at Kamikuishiki-village to about 9:00 a.m. when the perpetrators received the instructions from HM, in these five missing hours, I'm sure that Asahara and others decided it in conspiracy. Although I was not in the conspiracy, if I suggest from the condition at that time and actual situation of the sect, it is rational to see that Asahara decided it for fulfilling his prophecy, on that, he intended to take preparatory steps for making his disciples responsible for it.

Asahara made his own gods' revelation be gods' will, from Nostradamus's Great Prophecies books, he read "in order to clear human accumulated sinful deeds, god will trigger off Armageddon and subsequent wars", "Nostradamus also predicted that god or super humans who received god's will would trigger off huge wars to ruin human beings" and he created his religious war theory.

Like this, Asahara, as his identity, believed that he was a savor who would save humans from the ruin, and who would create a new world, by triggering off Armageddon written in various prophecy books.

Then Asahara had triggered off the incidents which could be read from prophecy or astrology for fulfilling prophecy. For example, the Kameido Bacillus anthracis attacks was conducted by decoding of prophecy, the date of Matsumoto sarin gas attack was decided by astrology.

On January 1st,1995, although the scoop about relationship between Matsumoto sarin gas attack and the sect was carried in Yomiuri newspaper, on the 8th of the same month, the sect had a talk between Asahara and HM titling "1995 predicted by astrology" by the sect's radio network. There, he suggested that a "religious war", in other words, an armed revolution by the sect would occur in November, and that, between January and April, a "phenomenon" before its "purification", in other words, a preliminary skirmish would occur.

When I recall dispassionately, if I see that Asahara, after the conversation in limousine, he meditated to think, and then he made fulfilling of his prophecy decide the fate, the facts and actual condition meets. During the investigation, I heard that a letter of responsibility of the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway was found in KI's personal computer, and I saw its copy. In the gray of the morning of the 20th, the time when it had been printed out remained, the context was one which could be read as a preliminary skirmish whose purpose was change of government.

As for HM's explanation that it was for preventing the raid to the perpetrators, it is natural to see that it was a superficial excuse that although the raid was inevitable and the sect might be broken down, it was easier to motivate the perpetrators if he said that it was for protecting the sect rather than saying it was for fulfilling prophecy. In essence, no matter whether preventing the raid would be possible or not, on the 2nd of April, because I heard Asahara's message from KH, "if I live till November, I'm sure I will overturn", for Asahara, the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway was for fulfilling his prophecy.

When I attended testimony for Asahara, he intimidated me saying "Think why HM died. If you didn't talk, that’s it". As for his saying, it seems that, by saying so, he intended to take preparatory steps for making disciples responsible for the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway.

It also can be seen in the evidence in which, in the morning of the 18th, when HM ordered the perpetrators, he didn't say it was Asahara's order, instead, he said "you can refuse", in which, at about two in the morning of the 20th, because Asahara scolded HM saying "pull yourself together, or you fail", HM tried to make the perpetrators who were in Kamikuishiki-village meet Asahara, but Asahara wouldn't meet them.

The Organized activity in the sect was separated in three. The first was a level of Asahara. The second was a level of those who constructed systems and led operation for delivering Asahara's doctrine and action plan to all of the sect including priests, laymen and laywomen, and those who innovated, planned, and recommended various preparations for an armed revolution with Asahara. The third was a level of those who conducted the decided principles and orders.

In the Aum Incidents, Asahara and his disciples who were directly involved in the incidents at the site were subject to criminal liability. When Asahara's orders were delivered to his disciples, there are signs that level two disciples and Asahara had various talks. But they are not subject to even criminal liability by refusing to testify. In the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway too, after the talk in the limousine, there were the five missing hours between the talk and the orders to the perpetrators, and as for the letter of responsibility of the crime, because Asahara and they refused to testify, the essence of the true conspiracy, motivation for the crime, and its purpose are not reflected on the incident's plot itself (as if there were not their roles), and not solved.

Continued to the eighth chapter.

Monday, November 14, 2016

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 6

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Chapter 6 Madness

After the scoop of Yomiuri newspaper of January 1st of 1995, Asahara strictly blamed "you said you would be able to manufacture 7 tons of sarin by December but you couldn't and we are in this situation. I did ordered to do in December. What will you do?"

At that time, Asahara said in careless tone "That's enough about K". By Asahara's order, I asked K who had been a policeman of Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department Public Security Bureau how was secret investigation of the sect about Matsumoto sarin gas attack after the scoop by Yomiuri. According to K, in his work site, although he heard figuring out of purchase route of medicine was conducted as the same as Yomiuri's line, he was only at the very lowest rung, so he didn't know more. Then it was when I reported it.

The latter 10 days of January, Asahara ordered to kill Ryuho Ohkawa by spraying botulinum toxin during his lecture in Yokohama Arena. One day before of his lecture, Ohkawa's whereabouts was known, and it developed to VX attack to Ohkasawa, but there was no damage.

On February 6th, Our plan to build various types of companies and turn employees into disciples started, it was called Taiyoseijaku alliance. I was ordered to make "matchmaking service". In this work, my subordinates who had been in charge of study of issues of near future in CHS (intelligence department) was ordered the same thing, in fact, the group was apart from CHS. On top of that, SH was in charge of semiconductor factory which was under control of HM, in order to gather information in Yugoslavia, as a leader, SH took CHS's members. At that time, there were one thousand several hundred samanas, but I could use only five samanas, of the three had left the sect once but I had made them return. "It seems that Asahara fears that power of subordinates or works will be gathered to me. If so, it is so dangerous." I felt I was nearly cornered.

On the 9th of the same month, "Inoue, K, if you do the same thing again, you are dead", Asahara was furious at the minister meeting. In CHS, even samanas who could do accounting was not given, so I asked a female samana who had been my subordinate at the time when I had been a general manager of Tokyo to help. Its claim was delivered to Asahara; the reason was the female samana had romantic feeling to me.

In mid-February, I was severely scolded by Asahara, "This happens because you're not willing to do it. What do you think of gods' will?" He was saying about the thing, for investigation of Mr. Ohkawa, samanas of the Ministry of Home Affairs were dispatched, but they were unskilled, CHS's samanas couldn't say a thing to them because they were in higher stage, so the both couldn't cooperate, soon they were found by the side of Mr. Ohkawa.

Several days later, when I was asked about how things were in Mr. Ohkawa's condominium, and I reported, Asahara and HM started a plan in which they would prepare microwave generating equipment to irradiate it to the condominium for killing the all residents. I promptly let it slip that "nearly thirty young people are living together inside. Are you going to kill them all?" Then Asahara said in outrageous tone "they were all my disciples in their previous lives. They are mistakenly under Ohkawa. They are not saved if I don't kill them." I was only in silence.

Several days after this, when I saw Asahara in eating place of the sect, for the first time, for a moment, I wanted to kill him.

On the 23rd of the same month, it was the day on which Asahara designated to kill Mr. Ohkawa as gods' will, but we failed to manufacture microwave generating equipment, so it was put off.

On the 28th of the same month, Mr. Kariya's incident.

The first ten days of March, as for information gathering in Yugoslavia, there was talk about Plasma weapon, as a purpose of making sure, I offered going there to Asahara, but he persisted in NO.

On the 8th of March, I was ordered investigation if it was possible to set spray of botulinum toxin on mass media, on the 11st, I reported it would be impossible to do to mass media, I was ordered to conduct the attaché case incident.

On the 13th, after looking the site over, when I was eating in a family restaurant, I strongly felt "why does he make me do this?" I thought "Half-finished is not good. If I am watched by Asahara, even chance of running away disappears and I will be killed. If I don't conduct this, I have no choice but to kill Asahara". I yielded to severe self-hatred by the thinking. "I can't endure such a contradiction. Because I can't deny Asahara, I have no choice but to deny myself", I was obsessed. However, that alone is too sad. "If toxin has been manufactured, it's like setting nuclear weapons. If we make Japanese fabric of society which was made to be a dependent country of US break down, path of Armageddon may change. It may be gods' will. Yes, I will do for gods' will." I decided.

Before noon of the 15th, when I saw the TV news about the attaché case incident, I knew that one I had set was found without working, I thought "I'm not able to conduct". Although I checked if it would work, unconsciously, I didn't push the button. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 5

Click here for the fourth chapter.

Chapter 5 Hypocrisy

In mid-September of 1994, I headed to Mitsubishijuukougyouhiroshimakenkyuujo to invade, in vehicle, I thought hard "I don't want to do such an invasion. I have fear. But I have no choice. Because it is gods' will".

Invasion was successful, I obtained maps Asahara ordered to obtain. But he only blamed me saying "your devotion is something wrong. Why didn't you copy all materials? You are such an idiot without academic background". Such his abuses in which he neglected my personality was the order of the day at that time. I blamed myself "I have suffering because my ego is still remaining", believing earnestly "it's a gods' will", I repeated invasions to companies.

On October 17th, when I delivered an offering to Kamikuishiki-village in the night, Asahara suddenly ordered "MT made VX. There is need to make sure it works. Use it to Takimoto's car. Be careful because he is alarmed. Go immediately." At the site, in a high building which was a little far away from lawyer Taro Takimoto's house, there was light. "I am watched" I said to other members and was relieved. When I reported it to Asahara, he said to himself "it can't be helped".

After that, Asahara, like he made me retrieve the fact the plan about lawyer Takimoto fell through after all, forcefully ordered me to obtain maps of NEC's laser. As for the factory, I couldn't obtain other disciples' help, invasion was conducted without enough preparation, I was found by a guard.

In mid-November, I was investigated by the police about the abduction incident in Miyazaki, according to instructions of lawyer A, I stated "I am now conducting branch activity". As such, I thought, as myself, as for conducting Vajrayāna, it already reached its limits, when I reported to Asahara about investigation, I said "because there is possibility that my statement may be checked, I'd like to return to branch activity". Then he only said "what are you afraid of?" and showed no sign of treating it as an issue. Several days later, Asahara ordered me to investigate Mr. Mizuno's home without telling me its purpose. This started my involvement in the series of the VX incidents.

In the middle of the night of November 26th, I was in great distress while I was in a sleeping bag in Imagawa's house. Immediately before, when I ran to Mr. Mizuno to spray VX, I felt that our eyes met, so I ran away without doing anything.

The feeling "I can't do this" couldn't be helped, but my thought was focused on "if I was told to do even if so". Soon I started to be in great distress, I eagerly remembered Asahara's word "if you can't, it's OK to make AY do it". Then, by implication, I told TN that our eyes had met as a reason, he immediately decided to call Y.

Next morning, when AY took over the charge, I was filled with thought that I couldn't show my unsteadiness to TN, so I had no room for concerning with Yamagata. I am sorry I have done Yamagata wrong.

When I recall, within this series of my inner conflicts were the all-too-human sins of hypocrisy and self-absorption. I couldn't conduct Asahara's order because I couldn't believe the cause of salvation enough in actual site. However, it was self-protection that I couldn't run away from Asahara because of fear. However, the feeling "I can't" was shocking and I was in great distress. At that time, Asahara prepared an escape route for me saying that if I couldn't, he would make Yamagata do it, so I ran away there. Then my distress disappeared. I think, as a part, I didn't need to face the reality that I couldn't believe the cause of salvation enough, so I could continue pretending to believe it. It was irresponsible hypocrisy itself without neither consideration of other people nor honesty to myself.

On the other hand, in order not to be noticed that I was avoiding conducting it, I calmly coped with other things than conducting it, and repeated invasion in companies. And I made myself be a tragic hero, I thought "somebody needs to conduct Vajrayāna for salvation", I comforted myself with self-absorption in the mental aspect of the cause while I was put in a hole by Asahara. The more I notice my hypocrisy, the more I am berated up by a severe sense of guilt and self-hate.

Why did I go that far with staying the sect? Sometimes I was said "in short, you couldn't deny Asahara because you feared that you wouldn't be able to reach emancipation and a spiritual awakening?", after Asahara held suspicion toward me, and after I lost myself when I experienced overwhelming fear when I was forced to take 1 mg of LSD, I had no such feeling.

At that time, as for all things including me, others, training, and salvation, the criteria changed all the time by Asahara's one word, they became elusive. In it, Asahara was all, I couldn't stand if I had a normal sense, and if I made myself have independence and if I had rational thought in which I would head to emancipation and a spiritual awakening which was objectively defined. Instead, I was absorbed in work in front of me, like I was depending on guru's will which only didn't change, and what was named gods' will.

After the incident of Mr. Tadahito Hamaguchi, soon I learned that he died. At that time, felt like I was sinking in darkness. Then I thought "I cannot be helped, I only have choice to go this way", I was more absorbed in work in front of me.

When I recall, normally, I should have thought what I would become in near future. However, at that time, I couldn't think about what I would become in future. What I thought was if my behavior was doubted by Asahara.

In the last analysis, there was an aspect in which I treated a man slightingly because I treated myself slightingly. At the time of the incident of Mr. Hamaguchi, I didn't feel or think Mr. Hamaguchi as a human. I tried to look at himself as one object of the work Asahara ordered, and actually I did. These were violations of human life.

I remember when Mr. Hiroyuki Nagaoka came to meet me. Best of all I deeply apologized about the incident. Mr. Nagaoka watched my eyes and glistened with tears. I again thought what I did, I felt so apologetic, my eyes were only filled with tears.

At that time, I totally lost human feeling like being moved to tears. At this time, I was continuously cornered to the limit, it was only for a moment, but I felt an intent to kill Asahara.

In mid-February of 1995, I was ordered to bring an offering immediately by Asahara, when I visited the sect's eating place, I saw Asahara singing karaoke with being surrounded by young female samanas. I couldn't bear to look at it, my ardor was dampened, without saying anything, I returned to vehicle. When I sat down on the seat of the vehicle, I was shocked to know I was thinking "should I spray him VX? Or, because it won't kill him, should I paint VX to a drawing pin and set it on a sofa?" At the same time, I instinctively felt "if I leave the sect, not only me but my all family will be killed, only way to be apart from Asahara is to kill Asahara who orders killing". But I was sure I couldn't, I was terrified about everything.

When I recall, I only was disconsolate and pitiful. But my subordinates and disciples whom I ordered work were also involved in crimes. On thinking it over, at that time, I only considered Asahara, I didn't have a sense of responsibility nor consideration about my subordinates and disciples. Because it was part of Asahara's order as doctrine, it was individual's training, I thought, basically, it was for practicing charity. But as a fact, in order to conduct Asahara's orders, I used my subordinates and disciples like they were my tools.

In the last analysis, one reason why I could't escape from Asahara's rule was because I did the same thing as Asahara did to me to my subordinates and disciples. Although I didn't use force, give fear, use strong language to my subordinates and disciples, I was the same as Asahara in that I used their religious beliefs.

Monday, November 7, 2016

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 4

Click here for the third chapter.

Chapter 4 Criminal

Immediately after Mr. Kotaro Ochida incident (In January, 1994, in the sect's building in Kamikuishiki-village, an ex-disciple Mr. Ochida tried to evacuate a female disciple with an ex-disciple her son but was caught, Asahara ordered the ex-disciple to kill Mr. Ochida), although I thought "dying in front of guru may be a happy thing. But", I couldn't find the next word. I was only full of fear. And then both "fear" and "but" disappeared from my consciousness because Asahara gave me a warning "I think you might have already understood but since this is a murder…"

After the incident, Asahara made his disciples chase the ex-disciple who broke a promise that he would come to the sect, and then he was found in Akita prefecture. Although I also was chasing, I personally feared that if I ran away, Asahara would thoroughly chase using his disciples and money. Although ten including HM , TN, H rushed to the ex-disciple's apartment in midnight, the police were called, we ran away.

I think this well expressed my condition. I believed that conducting guru's will was to help salvation, and also my training. But, in a place deeper than my heart, I couldn't stand up to my fear toward Asahara and ran away, in fact, I was ordered like being chased, concentrated on my work like I was running away. No matter how much I ran away, the footsteps of fear chased me.

Immediately before we rushed to his apartment, in order to prevent calling the police, I thought I had cut all telephone lines consciously. However, after I was arrested, a prosecutor told me that the ex-disciple called the police using phone in his room, that telephone line of only his room had been not cut, the others had been all cut. This was what I unconsciously did. The fight between my consciousness and mind which became like a shadow because of fear to Asahara was only on this level.

In April 1994, in front of twenty members of firing tour to Russia, Asahara said "Disciples who will leave the sect must be killed. If you go home, all of your family will be killed. Even if you ran away to the police station, I blow up there. Also, who breaks the rule of no-sex will be killed. Inoue isn't an exception, too. But I let those who want to get married go ahead and do so." In the same place as one where Mr. Ochida was killed, I, being told by name, couldn't help but feel fear.

One day, when I was running in a park, when I saw American parent and child were playing with swing, I thought "am I going to kill them?" Because Asahara said that if fight began, he would kill all Americans. I only continued running repressing my tears.

In June of the same year, Asahaha did what was near to kill me mentally. According to N's testimony in the trial, the reason was because Asahara had a suspicion that I might leave the sect because I couldn't concentrate on the work.

"You are a hopeless person. Sufficiently meditate again and die" Asahara said, and he made me drink 1 mg LSD. Shortly before that, as a guinea pig of LSD, I was forced to drink 150 micro mg, temporally I was in breathing-stopped condition, I was near death. "If I lose consciousness now, I will die", although I immediately started to be in a daze, I, by sheer force of will, I cheated guard samana, went into toilet, drank water of toilet, and then vomited all in my stomach. I returned to my room, and then I fainted.

About half a day later, when I recovered consciousness, Asahara said "tell me what you are hiding", it was very strange, so I kept silence, and then he threatened me "if you take too much LSD, you'll die. I think I have to force you to drink it" in intimidating voice. After that, I was like a sandbag in sparring, was forced to do training in which I enter high-temperature-bath to heighten energy three times, and was finally released. After that, when I returned to my room, "now I can't think anything, I can't feel anything. My life is in danger. Now I only have to harden my heart", I lonely moaned. By this incident, my heart was broken, and my mind as a human was increasingly lost.

At that time, Mr. TN, a member of firing tour to Russia, was killed because of his women issues. KT left the sect, and then Asahara ordered to kill him. Mr. TT who was suspected to be a spy was killed after torture. Every time when I heard the facts, I "took fright", and felt like it was me. In each time, I couldn't concentrate on work, like I was absorbed by them. In order not to see, not to feel, I determined, and I concentrated on work in front of me.

The fact that I was involved in such condition was a well-earned punishment. As for a big factor why I didn't leave the sect after Mr. Ochida incident, there was fear that I would be killed if I left the sect. This was self-protection totally against my wish to save people. And self-protection was totally against my seeking for truth of emancipation in which I tried to overcome selfish desire. I think I couldn't face such contradiction because I feared Asahara, plus, I had no consciousness of sin in contradiction of what I was doing.

At that time, I seriously believed "if everything will be extinct by Armageddon which will come in any case, what kind of meaning does modern society’s life have? In order to save many people, we should change the society which proceeds to Armageddon". Asahara called this vajrayāna's salvation, it means to self-destroy modern society by military power, I believed that Asahara was trying to open up new peaceful society by repeating ill deeds and by bearing them. In the sect, all works which Asahara ordered were said to have deep meaning for the cause. There, sin meant to be against guru's will which was based on gods' will. Because it meant to prevent path to save many people, to prevent each disciple's training. In short, the criteria for good and bad was only guru's will.

Then I had no idea to be against guru's will. Only thinking I couldn't do involved a sense of guilt, I only blamed myself because I thought I was immature. Although I couldn't accomplish what guru wanted me to do, as long as I did what I could to try and complete his orders, I could depend on everything being okay.

When I look back, by swallowing the cause, I relied on Asahara about judgment good or bad, I renounced a natural sense of responsibility as a human about my behavior when I became a priest. For this reason, although I conducted various shameful contradictions, I didn't notice the fact. On the other hand, realizing guru's will was to help salvation, it also became my training, I was in self-satisfaction of  goody-goody good-man consciousness.

In the final analysis, such swallowing of the cause and goody-goody self-satisfaction cornered me to the edge of my personality's disintegration, and made me "criminal" who was involved in many crimes.

Continued to the fifth chapter.

Friday, November 4, 2016

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 3

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Chapter 3 Loss

In the summer when I was twenty years old, 1990, while samanas started their training for going to higher stage, I was ordered to start training after my stage was lowered without being told its reason.

During training of three days, Asahara's wife who was a training supervisor misunderstood that I was dozing and I was repeatedly warned. After several after that, I was called by Asahara to come. Asahara yelled "I heard you defied my wife. When will you stop this madness? You such an idiot!", and he sentenced "from now, you should be ready for Vajrayāna" in threatening tone, and then HI who was a female executive locked the room. Taking hold of a stout, carbon-processed bamboo sword, Asahara made me stand at attention, and swinging the sword like a baseball bat, vigorously struck me in the back of my thighs. The dull sound of the sword slamming into my muscles echoed, "whack!" The slow but incredible pain shot through to my bones. After several such blows, my body was flung forward.

He scolded me to "get up!" and I struggled to stand, my feet trembling. He stomped just his feet, and with irregular timing, would continue to relentlessly hit me with full powered swings of his sword, "whack, whack!" I felt a biting pain again and again. I heard Asahara was yelling "there's more to come!" I didn't know what's what because of yelling, fear and acute pain, I felt like I was broken to pieces like glass was broken to pieces.

Finally, I faintly heard Asahara was yelling "you know, I'm gonna beat you up until you fall". For an instant, I felt power flew out from nowhere, and then I stood up.  Soon, I didn't fall, I felt my legs were repelling the sword. HI was counting, it seemed that I was hit about fifty times.

"Let's call it a day. You must know what will occur if you do this next time", I was threatened and released. I clenched my jaw, I managed to walk, when I came to exit, I couldn't stand up.

After that, about 2 weeks of my memory had simply snapped away. But because N gave testimony to this matter at the trial, 2 to 3 days later, I once again recalled in bits and pieces that I had been converted to Vajrayāna. At this time, I remembered that I had tried to run away from the room, but door was locked, I was grappled and was badly beaten. When I look back, because of this loss of memory, I think I lost very precious "something" as a human.

In the summer of 1991, when I was twenty-one years old, Asahara said very harsh "you are an obstacle to salvation. You are only a chessman. Why can't you do what you are told to do? Your idiot. One more say. You are an obstacle. You should do as a chessman". At that time, Asahara created new status "convert" as disciples, and tried to make many disciples who met the condition. And then he gave me impossible quota, and I couldn't fulfill the quota at all. It was the reason why I was scolded.

In the branch office activities, samanas were taught that they should have been a bridge between Asahara and his disciples as Asahara's chessman.

If I was ordered to make disciples become priests, I made them so without considering disciples' paths of lives nor connections with their families or friends. If I was told to gather offerings by making disciples borrow money, I recommended offering even if it came to corner disciples' lives. These were sin to humans, sin to trample disciples' healthy will. But at that time, I was not aware of the guilt. Although I acted based on Asahara's order, I saw disciples' distress by it.

I couldn't help but ask myself why I could be irresponsible. When I look back, I believed that Asahara's order would be for salvation. It was training of Daiingei, I thought that it was training and that's why it was irrational, I had to do my best. But I never wished to lose human sentiment by it. However, as for Asahara's tall orders, if I had human sentiment, many were impossible, in following his orders, my sentiment was increasingly paralyzed, at the same time, I think that human sentiment toward disciples was also paralyzed. Although I was seeing disciples' distress, I began not to feel it.

What made my sentiment paralyzed was my conceit that it was Daiingei training and salvation, and was my bigoted mind which couldn't follow the voice of my conscience which said absurd things were absurd. I think this bigoted mind was the mind's figure of a person whose memory was severed yielding to terror of Asahara's violence.

In 1993, when I was twenty-three years old, I was involved in spraying anthrax at Kameido practice hall. I took part in sterilizing work for cultivating bacteria. It was when I was cooling boiler alone in the work. "Who in the hell would believe this? No, if I record this by video, police may believeThis may be the last chance to stop this plan" When I thought so, suddenly my body trembled, unspeakable terror wrapped me. "This is gods' will. Humans can't conceive such a plan. I can't prevent it. I can't betray guru. If I do so, it is a heinous crime", fear to prevent gods' will was over fear to continue the work.

When it was ready to spray, Asahara sat in zen meditation on the sofa having the start button, meditated for a while and then pushed the button by himself. After that, because of the bad smell of the spray, residents in the neighborhood surrounded the practice hall and there was a hell of a noise. Only Asahara and Seigoshi evacuated by car, left samanas had only to confine themselves. After that, Asahara pretended to rush there, explained "we sprayed Chanel's perfume for a purification ceremony" to the residents. In fact, in order to kill the smell, we put Chanel's perfume. Then the residents roared with laughter, while samanas looked down at the ground, holding back their laughter.

When I look back myself from the condition at that time, from spraying method in which we mixed Chanel and anthrax, I think about children's innocent cruelty. About Asahara’s irrational orders, I believed they were Daiingei. I think this was the same as children's innocence. Plus, I think this was the same as children's cruelty.

But I didn't want to be a person who do childish evil without compunction. Asahara taught me ego was evil, I endured his orders, my ego was only suppressed, and in doing so by myself, I think it's almost like we became totally unable to see the enormity of our actions in the usual way we see ourselves and perceive reality. It seems that there is one reason why disciples committed such an outrage here. 

Thursday, November 3, 2016

So As Not to Have the Mistake Repeated by Future Generations, Chapter 2

Click here for the first chapter.

Chapter 2 Reversed

When I met Asahara, he was straightforward and did not show off, and his words and actions were the same, so I believed that he was seriously trying to devote himself to others. It was also my ideal father image. On top of that, he had a huge capacity for accepting everything. It was also my ideal mother image. When I joined a seminar in the winter when I was a sophomore in high school, Asahara had a high fever and fell over because he had done too much ceremony in which he had sent "ki". And then in his preaching, he talked in dizziness "mercy is to think about other people when one is completely cornered". I believed that Asahara devoted himself and I was so moved.

After that, the sect began teaching "don't think by yourself". In the summer when I was a third-year high school student, about the relationship between guru and disciple, Asahara asked me "a disciple should not ask anything even if he or she has any question, a disciple should continue doing what guru tells to do without asking. Can you?", I automatically answered "I will try to do my best". But at that time, I felt unbearable pain in doing what I couldn't consent. Although I wished to become a priest, Asahara instructed me to go to university to become a lawyer without telling me its reason, so I was confused. I was told that the confusion was because of ego, although I felt a sense of self-disgust, I started having question if it was all right to throw oneself into guru. Also I thought that earnestly following guru and pursuing pleasure to forget about sufferings were the same. I felt an infinite sadness no matter what I did, like I was deceiving myself. In my diary, on August 31st,1987, I wrote "I feel that forgetting suffering is what I most feel painful."

At that time, I couldn't pursue contradictions and ego which I couldn't abandon although I tried to abandon, which followed me like a shadow any more. I believed "guru won't lead me to wrong path", and I persuaded myself not to think by myself.

Looking back, I think not to think is to stop being a human. In the sect which told me not to think, the answer was decided that guru's thoughts were right about everything. In it, although uneasiness in thinking "what is justice" disappeared, also possibility of being troubled for maturing disappeared. And then without asking other person's opinions, I began stopping being conscious about other person's position.

In 1988, when I was eighteen years old, when I became a priest, my parents came to see me off to Shinkansen platform. When I bowed my head to my parents, I couldn't look up because my eyes were streaming with tears. In Shinkansen which headed to Tokyo, I told myself "Even if we are family, if we are in the ring of joy and sorrow of compassion, suffering will endlessly continue. I will express emancipation which is outside of the ring, and I share it with my parents. It is never a thing to grieve".

In the summer, Asahara who had returned from India suddenly shouted in the center of the sect, and he slapped male samanas (priests) one after another, also my head was slapped. And then he said "this is Vajrayāna. I removed your karma". Although I had been taught that, in Mahayana, mercy was to devote oneself to others, in Vajrayāna, it changed to say that mercy was to remove other person's evil deeds he or she committed in his or her previous life by giving others pains. Although I understood it was reasonable as its doctrine, I was shocked "gee, it will be going too far". But because I adored esoteric Buddhism, I told myself "don't fear. It is all right if I can start from what I can". Looking back, the reason why I accepted Asahara's violation although I felt fear and uneasiness was because I aimed too high to be a good boy because I wanted to learn esoteric Buddhism.

As for my childishness to be a good boy in front of Asahara, it was what I had been doing when I had been his believer for being recognized by Asahara. It was because I was told that it was necessary for disciples. However, when I honestly look at myself, I felt pride in being a good boy, and I was even self-absorbed in such behaviors. One reason why I proceeded to the path to adult reversely was because I was mean to be such a good boy.

In April, 1989, when I heard Asahara's preaching declaring firmly "we can only fight", I thought "if I fight, doesn't it become only karma? First of all, truth must not be ruined?" And then when I heard the calling for disciples’ agreement with Asahara who said "let's fight for the truth", for the first time, I relapsed into silence.

At that time, I was nineteen years old, and for the first time, I was suffering in love with my subordinate. In the sect, just having feelings of love was not allowed, our relationship was against the rules. Moreover, I was suffering from a sense of sin that I was betraying Asahara. But it was only for a half of a year. The sect rapidly became larger, management system became stricter because of an anonymous report, and then Asahara came to know our relationship. As a punishment, I was ordered to conduct seclusion of no food, no water in aluminum container under blazing sun of August for four days. I was like in sauna, in the second day, I had no sweat, my heartbeat was faster and then more slowly. The door was locked from outside, going outside was impossible, for the first time in my life, I was fear-ridden thinking that I might die.

After that, I bumped into her who was waiting for Asahara on Japanese-style mattress in Asahara's room. Although I lost my breath, I only blamed myself who couldn't lose myself for Asahara.
When I think about it now, I think I was scared to feel and consider anything more than that. At this point, I think I was in condition in which I was mentally emasculated as a man.

The reason why I fell silent to Asahara's calling for the first time at that time might be because my body reacted that the truth Asahara was insisting was powerless in front of easiness naturally created in natural contact with her. It might be one of few chances to regain myself during losing myself.

But it flew away because of mortal anxiety in four-day seclusion of no food and no water, too. The lesson that loving other person was not allowed was driven into my head, I became a person who couldn't face love.

Now, I am in the process of learning that it is indeed through the pain of loving that I have been able to establish myself. I think that people can nurse consideration for others naturally in loving each other. In the sect which forbade to love someone, to grow as a human was impossible.