Chapter 2 Reversed
When I met Asahara, he was straightforward and did not show off, and his words and actions were the same, so I believed that he was seriously trying to devote himself to others. It was also my ideal father image. On top of that, he had a huge capacity for accepting everything. It was also my ideal mother image. When I joined a seminar in the winter when I was a sophomore in high school, Asahara had a high fever and fell over because he had done too much ceremony in which he had sent "ki". And then in his preaching, he talked in dizziness "mercy is to think about other people when one is completely cornered". I believed that Asahara devoted himself and I was so moved.
After that, the sect began teaching "don't think by yourself". In the summer when I was a third-year high school student, about the relationship between guru and disciple, Asahara asked me "a disciple should not ask anything even if he or she has any question, a disciple should continue doing what guru tells to do without asking. Can you?", I automatically answered "I will try to do my best". But at that time, I felt unbearable pain in doing what I couldn't consent. Although I wished to become a priest, Asahara instructed me to go to university to become a lawyer without telling me its reason, so I was confused. I was told that the confusion was because of ego, although I felt a sense of self-disgust, I started having question if it was all right to throw oneself into guru. Also I thought that earnestly following guru and pursuing pleasure to forget about sufferings were the same. I felt an infinite sadness no matter what I did, like I was deceiving myself. In my diary, on August 31st,1987, I wrote "I feel that forgetting suffering is what I most feel painful."
At that time, I couldn't pursue contradictions and ego which I couldn't abandon although I tried to abandon, which followed me like a shadow any more. I believed "guru won't lead me to wrong path", and I persuaded myself not to think by myself.
Looking back, I think not to think is to stop being a human. In the sect which told me not to think, the answer was decided that guru's thoughts were right about everything. In it, although uneasiness in thinking "what is justice" disappeared, also possibility of being troubled for maturing disappeared. And then without asking other person's opinions, I began stopping being conscious about other person's position.
In 1988, when I was eighteen years old, when I became a priest, my parents came to see me off to Shinkansen platform. When I bowed my head to my parents, I couldn't look up because my eyes were streaming with tears. In Shinkansen which headed to Tokyo, I told myself "Even if we are family, if we are in the ring of joy and sorrow of compassion, suffering will endlessly continue. I will express emancipation which is outside of the ring, and I share it with my parents. It is never a thing to grieve".
In the summer, Asahara who had returned from India suddenly shouted in the center of the sect, and he slapped male samanas (priests) one after another, also my head was slapped. And then he said "this is Vajrayāna. I removed your karma". Although I had been taught that, in Mahayana, mercy was to devote oneself to others, in Vajrayāna, it changed to say that mercy was to remove other person's evil deeds he or she committed in his or her previous life by giving others pains. Although I understood it was reasonable as its doctrine, I was shocked "gee, it will be going too far". But because I adored esoteric Buddhism, I told myself "don't fear. It is all right if I can start from what I can". Looking back, the reason why I accepted Asahara's violation although I felt fear and uneasiness was because I aimed too high to be a good boy because I wanted to learn esoteric Buddhism.
As for my childishness to be a good boy in front of Asahara, it was what I had been doing when I had been his believer for being recognized by Asahara. It was because I was told that it was necessary for disciples. However, when I honestly look at myself, I felt pride in being a good boy, and I was even self-absorbed in such behaviors. One reason why I proceeded to the path to adult reversely was because I was mean to be such a good boy.
In April, 1989, when I heard Asahara's preaching declaring firmly "we can only fight", I thought "if I fight, doesn't it become only karma? First of all, truth must not be ruined?" And then when I heard the calling for disciples’ agreement with Asahara who said "let's fight for the truth", for the first time, I relapsed into silence.
At that time, I was nineteen years old, and for the first time, I was suffering in love with my subordinate. In the sect, just having feelings of love was not allowed, our relationship was against the rules. Moreover, I was suffering from a sense of sin that I was betraying Asahara. But it was only for a half of a year. The sect rapidly became larger, management system became stricter because of an anonymous report, and then Asahara came to know our relationship. As a punishment, I was ordered to conduct seclusion of no food, no water in aluminum container under blazing sun of August for four days. I was like in sauna, in the second day, I had no sweat, my heartbeat was faster and then more slowly. The door was locked from outside, going outside was impossible, for the first time in my life, I was fear-ridden thinking that I might die.
After that, I bumped into her who was waiting for Asahara on Japanese-style mattress in Asahara's room. Although I lost my breath, I only blamed myself who couldn't lose myself for Asahara.
When I think about it now, I think I was scared to feel and consider anything more than that. At this point, I think I was in condition in which I was mentally emasculated as a man.
The reason why I fell silent to Asahara's calling for the first time at that time might be because my body reacted that the truth Asahara was insisting was powerless in front of easiness naturally created in natural contact with her. It might be one of few chances to regain myself during losing myself.
But it flew away because of mortal anxiety in four-day seclusion of no food and no water, too. The lesson that loving other person was not allowed was driven into my head, I became a person who couldn't face love.
Now, I am in the process of learning that it is indeed through the pain of loving that I have been able to establish myself. I think that people can nurse consideration for others naturally in loving each other. In the sect which forbade to love someone, to grow as a human was impossible.