Chapter 3 Loss
In the summer when I was twenty years old, 1990, while samanas started their training for going to higher stage, I was ordered to start training after my stage was lowered without being told its reason.
During training of three days, Asahara's wife who was a training supervisor misunderstood that I was dozing and I was repeatedly warned. After several after that, I was called by Asahara to come. Asahara yelled "I heard you defied my wife. When will you stop this madness? You such an idiot!", and he sentenced "from now, you should be ready for Vajrayāna" in threatening tone, and then HI who was a female executive locked the room. Taking hold of a stout, carbon-processed bamboo sword, Asahara made me stand at attention, and swinging the sword like a baseball bat, vigorously struck me in the back of my thighs. The dull sound of the sword slamming into my muscles echoed, "whack!" The slow but incredible pain shot through to my bones. After several such blows, my body was flung forward.
He scolded me to "get up!" and I struggled to stand, my feet trembling. He stomped just his feet, and with irregular timing, would continue to relentlessly hit me with full powered swings of his sword, "whack, whack!" I felt a biting pain again and again. I heard Asahara was yelling "there's more to come!" I didn't know what's what because of yelling, fear and acute pain, I felt like I was broken to pieces like glass was broken to pieces.
Finally, I faintly heard Asahara was yelling "you know, I'm gonna beat you up until you fall". For an instant, I felt power flew out from nowhere, and then I stood up. Soon, I didn't fall, I felt my legs were repelling the sword. HI was counting, it seemed that I was hit about fifty times.
"Let's call it a day. You must know what will occur if you do this next time", I was threatened and released. I clenched my jaw, I managed to walk, when I came to exit, I couldn't stand up.
After that, about 2 weeks of my memory had simply snapped away. But because N gave testimony to this matter at the trial, 2 to 3 days later, I once again recalled in bits and pieces that I had been converted to Vajrayāna. At this time, I remembered that I had tried to run away from the room, but door was locked, I was grappled and was badly beaten. When I look back, because of this loss of memory, I think I lost very precious "something" as a human.
In the summer of 1991, when I was twenty-one years old, Asahara said very harsh "you are an obstacle to salvation. You are only a chessman. Why can't you do what you are told to do? Your idiot. One more say. You are an obstacle. You should do as a chessman". At that time, Asahara created new status "convert" as disciples, and tried to make many disciples who met the condition. And then he gave me impossible quota, and I couldn't fulfill the quota at all. It was the reason why I was scolded.
In the branch office activities, samanas were taught that they should have been a bridge between Asahara and his disciples as Asahara's chessman.
If I was ordered to make disciples become priests, I made them so without considering disciples' paths of lives nor connections with their families or friends. If I was told to gather offerings by making disciples borrow money, I recommended offering even if it came to corner disciples' lives. These were sin to humans, sin to trample disciples' healthy will. But at that time, I was not aware of the guilt. Although I acted based on Asahara's order, I saw disciples' distress by it.
I couldn't help but ask myself why I could be irresponsible. When I look back, I believed that Asahara's order would be for salvation. It was training of Daiingei, I thought that it was training and that's why it was irrational, I had to do my best. But I never wished to lose human sentiment by it. However, as for Asahara's tall orders, if I had human sentiment, many were impossible, in following his orders, my sentiment was increasingly paralyzed, at the same time, I think that human sentiment toward disciples was also paralyzed. Although I was seeing disciples' distress, I began not to feel it.
What made my sentiment paralyzed was my conceit that it was Daiingei training and salvation, and was my bigoted mind which couldn't follow the voice of my conscience which said absurd things were absurd. I think this bigoted mind was the mind's figure of a person whose memory was severed yielding to terror of Asahara's violence.
In 1993, when I was twenty-three years old, I was involved in spraying anthrax at Kameido practice hall. I took part in sterilizing work for cultivating bacteria. It was when I was cooling boiler alone in the work. "Who in the hell would believe this? No, if I record this by video, police may believe…This may be the last chance to stop this plan…" When I thought so, suddenly my body trembled, unspeakable terror wrapped me. "This is gods' will. Humans can't conceive such a plan. I can't prevent it. I can't betray guru. If I do so, it is a heinous crime", fear to prevent gods' will was over fear to continue the work.
When it was ready to spray, Asahara sat in zen meditation on the sofa having the start button, meditated for a while and then pushed the button by himself. After that, because of the bad smell of the spray, residents in the neighborhood surrounded the practice hall and there was a hell of a noise. Only Asahara and Seigoshi evacuated by car, left samanas had only to confine themselves. After that, Asahara pretended to rush there, explained "we sprayed Chanel's perfume for a purification ceremony" to the residents. In fact, in order to kill the smell, we put Chanel's perfume. Then the residents roared with laughter, while samanas looked down at the ground, holding back their laughter.
When I look back myself from the condition at that time, from spraying method in which we mixed Chanel and anthrax, I think about children's innocent cruelty. About Asahara’s irrational orders, I believed they were Daiingei. I think this was the same as children's innocence. Plus, I think this was the same as children's cruelty.
But I didn't want to be a person who do childish evil without compunction. Asahara taught me ego was evil, I endured his orders, my ego was only suppressed, and in doing so by myself, I think it's almost like we became totally unable to see the enormity of our actions in the usual way we see ourselves and perceive reality. It seems that there is one reason why disciples committed such an outrage here.