Chapter 4 Criminal
Immediately after Mr. Kotaro Ochida incident (In January, 1994, in the sect's building in Kamikuishiki-village, an ex-disciple Mr. Ochida tried to evacuate a female disciple with an ex-disciple her son but was caught, Asahara ordered the ex-disciple to kill Mr. Ochida), although I thought "dying in front of guru may be a happy thing. But…", I couldn't find the next word. I was only full of fear. And then both "fear" and "but" disappeared from my consciousness because Asahara gave me a warning "I think you might have already understood but since this is a murder…"
After the incident, Asahara made his disciples chase the ex-disciple who broke a promise that he would come to the sect, and then he was found in Akita prefecture. Although I also was chasing, I personally feared that if I ran away, Asahara would thoroughly chase using his disciples and money. Although ten including HM , TN, H rushed to the ex-disciple's apartment in midnight, the police were called, we ran away.
I think this well expressed my condition. I believed that conducting guru's will was to help salvation, and also my training. But, in a place deeper than my heart, I couldn't stand up to my fear toward Asahara and ran away, in fact, I was ordered like being chased, concentrated on my work like I was running away. No matter how much I ran away, the footsteps of fear chased me.
Immediately before we rushed to his apartment, in order to prevent calling the police, I thought I had cut all telephone lines consciously. However, after I was arrested, a prosecutor told me that the ex-disciple called the police using phone in his room, that telephone line of only his room had been not cut, the others had been all cut. This was what I unconsciously did. The fight between my consciousness and mind which became like a shadow because of fear to Asahara was only on this level.
In April 1994, in front of twenty members of firing tour to Russia, Asahara said "Disciples who will leave the sect must be killed. If you go home, all of your family will be killed. Even if you ran away to the police station, I blow up there. Also, who breaks the rule of no-sex will be killed. Inoue isn't an exception, too. But I let those who want to get married go ahead and do so." In the same place as one where Mr. Ochida was killed, I, being told by name, couldn't help but feel fear.
One day, when I was running in a park, when I saw American parent and child were playing with swing, I thought "am I going to kill them?" Because Asahara said that if fight began, he would kill all Americans. I only continued running repressing my tears.
In June of the same year, Asahaha did what was near to kill me mentally. According to N's testimony in the trial, the reason was because Asahara had a suspicion that I might leave the sect because I couldn't concentrate on the work.
"You are a hopeless person. Sufficiently meditate again and die" Asahara said, and he made me drink 1 mg LSD. Shortly before that, as a guinea pig of LSD, I was forced to drink 150 micro mg, temporally I was in breathing-stopped condition, I was near death. "If I lose consciousness now, I will die", although I immediately started to be in a daze, I, by sheer force of will, I cheated guard samana, went into toilet, drank water of toilet, and then vomited all in my stomach. I returned to my room, and then I fainted.
About half a day later, when I recovered consciousness, Asahara said "tell me what you are hiding", it was very strange, so I kept silence, and then he threatened me "if you take too much LSD, you'll die. I think I have to force you to drink it" in intimidating voice. After that, I was like a sandbag in sparring, was forced to do training in which I enter high-temperature-bath to heighten energy three times, and was finally released. After that, when I returned to my room, "now I can't think anything, I can't feel anything. My life is in danger. Now I only have to harden my heart", I lonely moaned. By this incident, my heart was broken, and my mind as a human was increasingly lost.
At that time, Mr. TN, a member of firing tour to Russia, was killed because of his women issues. KT left the sect, and then Asahara ordered to kill him. Mr. TT who was suspected to be a spy was killed after torture. Every time when I heard the facts, I "took fright", and felt like it was me. In each time, I couldn't concentrate on work, like I was absorbed by them. In order not to see, not to feel, I determined, and I concentrated on work in front of me.
The fact that I was involved in such condition was a well-earned punishment. As for a big factor why I didn't leave the sect after Mr. Ochida incident, there was fear that I would be killed if I left the sect. This was self-protection totally against my wish to save people. And self-protection was totally against my seeking for truth of emancipation in which I tried to overcome selfish desire. I think I couldn't face such contradiction because I feared Asahara, plus, I had no consciousness of sin in contradiction of what I was doing.
At that time, I seriously believed "if everything will be extinct by Armageddon which will come in any case, what kind of meaning does modern society’s life have? In order to save many people, we should change the society which proceeds to Armageddon". Asahara called this vajrayāna's salvation, it means to self-destroy modern society by military power, I believed that Asahara was trying to open up new peaceful society by repeating ill deeds and by bearing them. In the sect, all works which Asahara ordered were said to have deep meaning for the cause. There, sin meant to be against guru's will which was based on gods' will. Because it meant to prevent path to save many people, to prevent each disciple's training. In short, the criteria for good and bad was only guru's will.
Then I had no idea to be against guru's will. Only thinking I couldn't do involved a sense of guilt, I only blamed myself because I thought I was immature. Although I couldn't accomplish what guru wanted me to do, as long as I did what I could to try and complete his orders, I could depend on everything being okay.
When I look back, by swallowing the cause, I relied on Asahara about judgment good or bad, I renounced a natural sense of responsibility as a human about my behavior when I became a priest. For this reason, although I conducted various shameful contradictions, I didn't notice the fact. On the other hand, realizing guru's will was to help salvation, it also became my training, I was in self-satisfaction of goody-goody good-man consciousness.
In the final analysis, such swallowing of the cause and goody-goody self-satisfaction cornered me to the edge of my personality's disintegration, and made me "criminal" who was involved in many crimes.
Continued to the fifth chapter.